The Onion scores again

This made me laugh my ass off. I almost forgot how cool The Onion was after I went through a months-long period of not reading it. But then I decided to buy an Onion "best headlines" day-by-day calendar to put on my desk at work for inspiration since I spend half my day writing headlines. I haven't received much inspiration yet – yesterday's headline was "school bully not so tough after being molested," which made me laugh, even though I knew it was wrong.

But the calendar has made me sad about all the Onions I've missed out on in the past several months. What have I been doing that is so much more important than reading the Onion? I don't have any clear answers on that, but things are going to change from now on.